Sunday, September 13, 2015

Lessons in a Year

I don't think it's coincidence that the journal I brought with me this weekend is the one that I took notes in at an adoption conference.

It's been exactly one year since we announced our decision to adopt.  I've felt myself sinking for a while now and today is why.

The decision to adopt was a long one.  It was strange and scary, but it is the path we are called to take.  In my journal, one of the pages of notes from the conference talks about the "kol d'mama daka" - the still small voice of God.  I can remember those first small whispers in my heart, while being around our friends' adopted children, of "You can do this".  Much like those first moments of knowing you're pregnant or feeling the first flutters of your unborn child, those first feelings of knowledge of that kol d'mama daka are exquisitely precious.  There was such joy and excitement in those first months, as we went to classes and learned about the type of parenting we would be undertaking.  I pinned countless ideas on Pinterest and dreamed of how bedrooms would be decorated.

And then we waited.  Suddenly, we were no longer in control.  We were waiting and having to put our faith in our social worker, in humans, in the world.  We learned very quickly that disappointment was to be found.  A process of approval, that on paper was supposed to take two months, ended up taking six.  When the papers arrived to notify us of our approval by the county we live in, there was no excitement or feelings of hope.  By this point, my hope had been replaced by cynicism and apathy. To me, this paper didn't symbolize one step closer; instead, it was disappointment that we had believed that work was being completed, and that there was still more waiting ahead.

At this one year mark, we are still waiting on approval from the state to be licensed to adopt.  We were given no timeline on this step, and though it may sound strange, I feel trapped.  I feel as though our lives are just floating along, stuck in a holding pattern, completely at the mercy of others.

Through this whole process, I've claimed a feeling of "everything will work out how it should."  And I do truly believe that.  But I've also used it as a crutch to enable me to shut down my emotions.  Instead, I should be using it as a way to fuel my faith.  I should be seeking that kol d'mama daka every day.  I should be actively putting my faith in God every day; not as a way to shield myself from disappointment or to be a mindless follower, but to voice those fears and disappointments to Him.  To seek His hand when I feel like I'm drowning, and trusting that He is going to pull me up out of the water.  I have to rely on Him through this, because I know that this journey of adoption is not my own.  I have to remember who set this desire in my heart, who gave me the courage to say yes, and who has been there for our future children during those times that their biological parents failed them.

I encourage you today to spend some time listening for the kol d'mama daka

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