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Wednesday, October 15, 2014

A letter to the birth parents

Part of our adoptive parent profile is the inclusion of a letter from us to the child's birth parents.

A letter of reassurance to the people that have most likely done something terrible enough and for long enough that they have lost all rights to parent their child.



Surely, you can see why this would be difficult.  (Before I begin this, I would like to point out that not all birth parents are terrible.  Some have made responsible decisions to do what's best for their child.  I applaud those.)  I managed to scrape together a respectable, friendly letter, but there was so much more I wanted to say.

Dear Birth Parent,

Some days I hate you.  I don't know what it is that you did yet, but I hate you nonetheless.  I hate you for being the reason that your child has lost their family.  Don't you know how much pain you have caused them? They believed in you, trusted you, LOVED you....and you blew it.  How could you look into their eyes and purposefully hurt them?  That was your baby, the child that hopefully you looked at with love at one time, the child that you gave life to.  You let something evil and twisted take hold of your family.  You didn't protect your child from their nightmares, you caused them.  So I hate you.

Some days I'm sad for you.  I'm sad that whatever ugly pit your life had fallen into, that you weren't strong enough to pull yourself back out.  I'm sad that maybe you couldn't find help, that maybe you tried and tried, but there was no one until it was too late.  Maybe you were just continuing the cycle, passing along the same hurt that you experienced.  I'm sad that the pain and fear and shame that was in your child's eyes was not enough.  Even if your life never changes, somewhere deep in your soul you carry the imprint of your child.  You will always have a part of you missing, a piece of your heart walking around with another family.  You may know of their successes, but you will never completely be able to share in them.  So I'm sad for you.

Some days I don't think about you at all.  It's as if you don't even exist, and one day this child will just appear and be ours, as if they always had been.  I don't think about you because I just want to focus on the joy of "expecting".  I want to savor the excitement of a child on the way.  I want to plan all the fun things we'll get to do in our new roles as mom and dad.  And in that equation, you don't fit.

Most days I pity you.  I know that whether you show it on the outside, whether you have escaped from the prison your life choices has put you in, or whether you are full of hatred, I know that you are empty.  I know that you are hurting.  I know that you are lost.  I pity you because you've lost the one thing that you should have given everything for.  I pity you because you have lost everything.  You're going to miss out on the rest of your child's life. Even if we can someday send you updates, it will never be the same as you actually being there.  Their faces on Christmas morning....the hugs after a hard day...their first date...   So I pity you.

But today?  Today I'm working on forgiveness.  Today I'm trying to be thankful for you.  Today I'm trying to pray for you.  Today.....I'm trying love you.  Because without you, I wouldn't be blessed with parenting your child.

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